Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:19:10 GMT

Ok...getting really nervous. Moving home with my 3 kids...leaving Germany where I have lived for the last year. Leaving my husband, taking my kids. The thought of going to the airport alone with my 3 children, my dog, all the carry-ons, and as many of our belongings as I can possibly carry, dealing with the emotions/feelings of the kids, and trying to hide my own stress from them....the thought is so completely overwhelming! I keep telling myself that I am strong, I can do this. Wear a smile. I can do this.

I am staying with my mom until I find a place of my own to rent. My mom is my trigger. I always felt as if I were never good enough for her. Never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough. When I was looking good she would show me off. If I would gain any weight she would cease taking me places. She would always tell me I needed make-up. I never felt pretty enough around her...she would always look in the mirror and say to me, "Stephanie, you have a BEAUTIFUL mother." Yes, she is beautiful...but I never measured up. So now, here I am...moving home with 3 children and a failed marriage. All I can do is try and look perfect. Moving day is fast approaching...could be today if the military can get me a flight. I am so nervous. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I don't want to eat. I reached my weight goal for going home but it isn't enough! If I could lose 15 more pounds I think I might be happy... but then again, does it ever really end? I fear I could lose the 15 pounds and look in the mirror and still see all my hideousness. *sigh* My icon says it all......

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 11:51:41 GMT

My name is Stephanie. I have been going through the whole food is the enemy thing for about 12 years now. I am technically ednos, though my mindset is pretty much anorexia. I am here to support and to be supported. It is nice that there is a place for me to come and talk with others who are going through the same/similar feelings with their self-estem and food/body issues.

lady_jynx